I love you but…….

So here I was madly in love with the love of my life. My days, my nights were all about him, for him. I could do anything for him. And though he wasn’t as apparent in his feelings, I felt that though not too expressive, deep down, he too cared for me. And that’s what mattered. I wasn’t looking for a matching reciprocation. I wasn’t in an eye for eye relation. A born giver, I could give as much as possible without waiting or expecting a return.

Yes, sometimes certain things did bother me a little, like you not calling back or messaging or other minor things. But I considered them too trivial to come in our way. I was old enough, mature enough to understand situations, circumstances. So this went on for years; I in my giving mode, and you, as I now see it in the taking one.

And then one day I decided to walk away…. Why??

Now that I have been away from you for a considerable amount of time, I can view this situation more objectively and understand why I did what I did. How I see it now is that I was happy to be with you until I knew that you were there and were committed. Yes, your life, your circumstances did not let you be open and obvious about us, but I understood all of that. So I was ok to swallow my self-respect, my ego to be with you because I was doing it for you because you were there.

However, as time went by, I began to realise that you were not even trying to match my effort.  Each time, I was the one to reach out, initiate, and make the effort. You were always busy, always occupied with something or the other. And I began to see through it all. You see, there is always a difference between what you can’t do and what you won’t do. It was fine until the time you couldn’t, but when I realised that you wouldn’t, I stepped back.

I was ready to be the giver as long as you were there, but the moment I realised that you were stepping back/ taking me for granted, I called it quits. And I don’t regret my decision at all.

Yes, I still care, I still love because that is probably in my DNA now, but I will no longer be a part of your life.  That’s a choice I have made. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t get treated fairly and equally. While there can be no mathematical connotation to this, there has to be something in it for me. If I can take on the world for you, move mountains for you, and you won’t even budge an inch for me, then sorry, I choose not to have anything to do with you. I cannot be with someone who doesn’t respect, care, and love enough. And how much is that enough is something that I will decide. Nobody else gets to do that.

I love you, but I love myself more.

That’s me at the wrong side of fifty, with my eyes open, my senses alert and my self-respect intact. Yes, I am a woman who was vulnerable cause I loved you but not any longer. I choose to shake off my vulnerability and don my sense of pride and dignity.

NOTE FOR THE READER

[For a change, this piece has been written as a monologue; it is an attempt to capture the bits and pieces of real-life stories that I have seen unfold in front of me in the last few years in a different way.]

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2 Comments
  • ANAISHA SUKH
    December 8, 2021

    Beautifully written ….. always best to walk away when respect is no longer being served…. Love the one who can love you back…. Otherwise… you are enough!! Believe that!!

  • Aabha
    December 8, 2021

    Very well written and the monologue style is fantastic!