So here I was madly in love with the love of my life. My days, my nights were all about him, for him. I could do anything for him. And though he wasn’t as apparent in his feelings, I felt that though not too expressive, deep down, he too cared for me. And that’s what mattered. I wasn’t looking for a matching reciprocation. I wasn’t in an eye for eye relation. A born giver, I could give as much as possible without waiting or expecting a return.
Yes, sometimes certain things did bother me a little, like you not calling back or messaging or other minor things. But I considered them too trivial to come in our way. I was old enough, mature enough to understand situations, circumstances. So this went on for years; I in my giving mode, and you, as I now see it in the taking one.
And then one day I decided to walk away…. Why??
Now that I have been away from you for a considerable amount of time, I can view this situation more objectively and understand why I did what I did. How I see it now is that I was happy to be with you until I knew that you were there and were committed. Yes, your life, your circumstances did not let you be open and obvious about us, but I understood all of that. So I was ok to swallow my self-respect, my ego to be with you because I was doing it for you because you were there.
However, as time went by, I began to realise that you were not even trying to match my effort. Each time, I was the one to reach out, initiate, and make the effort. You were always busy, always occupied with something or the other. And I began to see through it all. You see, there is always a difference between what you can’t do and what you won’t do. It was fine until the time you couldn’t, but when I realised that you wouldn’t, I stepped back.
I was ready to be the giver as long as you were there, but the moment I realised that you were stepping back/ taking me for granted, I called it quits. And I don’t regret my decision at all.
Yes, I still care, I still love because that is probably in my DNA now, but I will no longer be a part of your life. That’s a choice I have made. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t get treated fairly and equally. While there can be no mathematical connotation to this, there has to be something in it for me. If I can take on the world for you, move mountains for you, and you won’t even budge an inch for me, then sorry, I choose not to have anything to do with you. I cannot be with someone who doesn’t respect, care, and love enough. And how much is that enough is something that I will decide. Nobody else gets to do that.
I love you, but I love myself more.
That’s me at the wrong side of fifty, with my eyes open, my senses alert and my self-respect intact. Yes, I am a woman who was vulnerable cause I loved you but not any longer. I choose to shake off my vulnerability and don my sense of pride and dignity.
NOTE FOR THE READER
[For a change, this piece has been written as a monologue; it is an attempt to capture the bits and pieces of real-life stories that I have seen unfold in front of me in the last few years in a different way.]