A considered choice or….???

When a single woman or for that matter a single man decides to have a baby through surrogacy/ adoption what does such a decision/ choice mean?

The news item on Ekta Kapoor choosing to do this made be think and reflect.

When a person makes an unconventional choice , how unconventional does life become?? And is the person cognisant of the repercussions of having made an unconventional choice?

In a regular kind of a setup where a couple chooses to have a child after getting married, the bringing up of the child would by and large follow a conventional pattern. The pattern would be the like the one all of us have seen and experienced with the parents or one of the parents going to work, bringing up the child jointly and sharing responsibilities most of the times. The child would also take certain things for granted , primarily the presence of both the parents in his life.

So if a single woman like in this case decides to go in for parenthood without a partner by her side then what all will it entail??

To begin with it will be her sole responsibility with no one to ever share it. Contrary to how much we may lament the absence of super busy fathers from the regular lives of children but the point is that they are there ! When the father does not exist the entire responsibility obviously will fall on the mother which cannot be an easy task.While I do not question the ability of an educated, financially independent woman to take on the challenge I wonder if a woman taking up such a challenge will ever question her decision at a later stage. Parenthood as I understand is for keeps. It is about providing a child with not only the material benefits but also with the social and emotional anchor, the right kind of values and beliefs. So if at an emotional stage a woman takes a decision to be a solo parent is she biting more than she can chew. Does she realise the enormity of the task before taking it on??

My question is not addressed to women who become single parents because they have no choice, like when they lose a partner because of a divorce or death. But when they take a conscious decision to do something like that then is there a chance of regret later on in life?

And if at a later stage there is regret, then what? Will it not have a bearing on the life of the child, on the relationship with the child, will it not affect the upbringing, the future of the child ?

And even if one were able to go through it would the child with only one parent not feel deprived of not having two! A child who has only a mother or only a father wouldn’t he want to have the other parent?

How can a woman play the role of a father and mother both or vice versa?
So while it may satisfy the individual’s desire to become a parent what about the child’s desire or need to have both the parents??

After all parenthood as I understand is about having two parents and not one . And god forbid if having a child is just a whim then what ???

And today you may be single but what if tomorrow you decide to marry and your partner to be doesn’t want the child??

So is it just a fad or a considered choice?

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  • Aabha Kapuria
    June 7, 2019

    Well written. Never really thought about it like this …but it is something to ponder on ..

  • Payal
    June 7, 2019

    While it may lead to strong bonding between the parent and child, at some stage the child is going to wonder why there is an absence of the 2nd parent. A child of a widower or divorcee knows there was another parent but in case of surrogacy there could be envy / resentment of other children who have 2 parents.
    Its a very courageous but a tough call. Hope the parent who has taken this decision manages to balance it all out

  • Shalini
    June 8, 2019

    Interesting perspective, hope people make these decisions are making conscious and well thought through choices and not doing it only to fill a personal vacuum in life.

  • Sumana Bhattacharya
    June 9, 2019

    Being a single parent is a tough call, and celebs are not the best example to follow here. Things are easier for Ekta Kapur and her ilk. There’s a lot at stake for both the parent and the child.

    • Sangeeta Relan
      June 22, 2019

      I totally agree!